Darkened Heart and Broken Love
by V. Sourweather
Summary: James is found after he's been missing for a few days, and he's not the same anymore. Lily doesn't think he will ever be the same again; but she wishes, how she wishes, he could change back into his old self. [Dark!James AU] Warnings a lot of darkness and a lot of angst! [Written for QLFC - Semi-Finals]


_Summary:__ James is found after he's been missing for a few days, and he's not the same anymore. Lily doesn't think he will ever be the same again; but she wishes, how she wishes, he could change back into his old self._

_Rating:__ T_

_Warning:__ Darkness and angst, a lot of it. It's a Dark!James AU, so..._

_Disclaimer:__ Anything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling, and nothing belongs to me besides the words you see on the page. I don't make any money out of this story._

_.:._

_Written for:_

_**[QLFC - Semi-finals]**_

_**Team:**__ Tutshill Tornados_

_**Position:**__ Keeper_

_**Prompt:**__ A character's suffering is caused by another character (or a character causes another character's suffering)._

_**[HSWW]**__ Assignment #7: Zoology — Dogs__ / Task #7 — Write about someone perceived as being bad or evil._

_Word count (without the A/N): 2,209 words_

* * *

_**Darkened Heart and Broken Love: **_**Lily Evans and James Potter**

* * *

Lily had been there, sitting on his bedside, ever since they had brought him back. And she was waiting for him to wake up, because he had to—he had to, he couldn't just leave her. Not so soon before their wedding was supposed to happen. Not now, not ever. _Please, James, please, don't leave me._

And he didn't. A few hours later, she saw his chest take a deeper breath than the ones he had drawn until now, and she sat up in her uncomfortable chair. And then he opened his eyes, looking at her and—_it was all wrong_.

_There is no way in hell that this can be happening_, Lily thought (and she didn't know if she said it aloud or if she just thought it so loud she was under the impression she had).

"James?" she asked him. Her voice quivered with fear.

He looked at her then, but he didn't _see_ her. He looked at her and all _she_ could see in those hazel eyes she loved so much was _hate_. Terrible, dreadful hate. A loathing that seemed to burn him to the core as he sneered at her.

And her heart broke all over again. This was James's face, James's eyes and unruly dark hair, and James's tall and lanky silhouette, but it wasn't _him_.

And she wondered, _how could I let this happen?_ She should have gone with him on that mission, or better yet, she should have told him not to go, to stay with her and let Sirius or Remus or just someone else handle it. And then… She could still remember that endless feeling of desperation that had weighed her down when she'd learned that he'd been caught. But she'd thought he'd been dead. She'd thought she'd never see him again.

And if she was being honest with herself… Maybe it would have been better this way. Because she could take it if he was dead; one day, she was sure she would be able to move on. But this, knowing, _seeing_ he _hated_ her… She wasn't sure she could deal with it.

"James, it's me. It's Lily," she tried again. "Please, say you remember me."

"Oh, I remember you, Evans. Trust me. I also remember what you are. What I can't seem to remember, on the other hand… is why you're being so… familiar with me."

Her eyes widened in shock. Did he not remember _them_ at all? Was it because they had brainwashed him? Or worse, instilled memories in him that just made him a different person altogether? She didn't know, but she wanted so desperately to find out so she could hunt down whoever had done this to her James and just—

No. James wouldn't want that. He would never want her to risk her life for him, and if he ever came back to his old self, he would never forgive himself (or her, for that matter) for dying on him.

"You don't remember," she whispered, rather than following that trail of thought. "You don't remember anything, do you?"

He didn't answer, just kept staring at her, and slowly, a cruel smile painted itself on his lips. And she had to tell herself that this wasn't James, this wasn't her fiancé looking at her that way, and it wasn't his fault. It was all she could do to keep herself from smacking that stupid smirk off his lips.

"At least answer me!" she shouted, her hands balling into fists at her sides. It was the only sign of anger she was going to let him see.

"No, Evans, I don't remember having anything to do with you," he said, complying a little too hurriedly for her taste. "What is it you want me to recall so desperately?"

She asked herself if he was doing it on purpose, or if somehow they were controlling him just to hurt her—but why would they care about hurting a simple little Mudblood like her? She shrank back into her chair anyway, too hurt by his words to answer.

He seemed to understand though, and his eyes widened with surprise and something else… Was it self-disgust? When he muttered to himself (Lily didn't think she was supposed to hear that much), "What the hell was I doing with a filthy Mudblood like her?", she knew he definitely was disgusted with himself.

But this word escaping James's mouth… Mudblood, he had just called her. And that didn't make her sad, didn't hurt her as deeply as she had thought it would, it just made her so _angry_.

She got up from her chair and stepped back from his side as he propped himself up on his elbows, and she said, "I'll leave you alone for now, James Potter. Apparently, you need a little time to clear your thoughts." Her voice was cool and every word was like a bite, but she didn't turn back to him and apologized. She just left the room, locked the door behind her (she couldn't let him go, not right now, not when he was obviously not himself and could betray them all the first chance he got—unless the problem was just _her_) and wandered through the hallways of the McKinnon Manor.

* * *

Lily was sitting on the windowsill in her borrowed room when Marlene finally came to see her. She didn't turn towards the door; she already knew it was her best friend. But it was not like Marlene to just be so quiet and calm. Her friend was usually a whirlwind of noise and laughter and fire and the only reason she would be this quiet was—

"You saw him too, didn't you?" Lily asked, not turning away from the window and her view of the beautiful garden at the back of the manor.

"Yeah. I saw him, but it's not…" Marlene trailed off and sat down next to her.

"It's not him," Lily supplied.

"No, it's not him. The only thing he asked me when I went to visit him was… why he was surrounded with Mudbloods, blood-traitors and werewolves. It's not James. I don't know what they did to him, but it's not him, it cannot be him." Marlene paused, and then she put a hand on Lily's arm before adding when she finally had all her attention, "But we'll find a way to get him back, Lils. I promise."

"You can't promise that," Lily disagreed. "We—we never had a case like this before. We don't even know what happened to him or why he's like this."

"That's what Dumbledore is trying to find out."

"Dumbledore?" the red-head repeated incredulously. "He shouldn't be seeing James. Imagine if we can't bring him back to—to James! We can't keep him locked up forever and we can't have him telling them anything!"

"Dumbledore is the only one with the power to find out what happened. Besides, we can always Obliviate him if we find that we cannot bring him back and cannot keep him locked up in here any longer."

Lily simply looked back at the window and sighed deeply. And what if they had to send him back out there? They would kill him, the Dark Lord and his followers. Because now that she could see it more clearly, there was only one reason they would have left him unconscious someplace where they would obviously find him… They were using him as bait. As a means to know more about their opponents, about the Order. And if they couldn't find that out… They wouldn't let him live. They would kill him, and then there would be no way in hell that she could get him back at all.

"We can't send him back," Lily decided, as she looked back at her friend. "We can't, because if we do, they will kill him, and I don't think I could bear it, because it would be our—my fault. I'd rather have him here by my side, even if he's not himself. Even if he's that evil shell of himself. It hurts, but at least I—at least he's here."

Marlene stayed silent, just nodded. Of course, her friend understood her. Or at least she tried to. But it was more than Lily could have asked for, and she nodded gratefully at the blonde girl.

"I didn't think I would ever see him again," the red-head finally confessed after a few moments of silence. "And now I have and he's just… It's like he's one of _them_ now."

"We'll do our best to get him back, Lils. You're right, I can't promise that we will, but we'll do our best, don't you worry. In the meantime, you can stay here if you want. It's not like we don't have enough room, and Mum and Dad already love you, so it won't bother them."

"Thank you," Lily just said. She wanted to be alone now, and as always, Marlene understood her and she left her after squeezing her hand encouragingly.

Maybe Marlene was right and they would get through this. Or maybe they wouldn't, in which case… Lily didn't even want to think about it.

* * *

The next time she went to see him, a week later, James narrowed his eyes as she entered the bedroom that served as a cell. He was sitting on his bed, carefully studying his surroundings. He wasn't wounded or sick or ill, but he was still… bad.

"Evans," he greeted her with a smirk. "Come to try and convince me of—of what, exactly? Were we like… in a relationship just for the fun of it? Because really, I can't even remember a time when I did notice you… even at school? So what happened?"

Lily took in a deep breath. He was already asking too many questions, too many _cruel _questions, and she had just barely gotten through the door.

She needed to stay calm if she was ever going to get through this without screaming at him or doing something worse—something _foolish_, like kissing him just to try and make him remember.

"We weren't in a relationship _just for the fun of it_, James, as you put it. You told me many times that you loved me, and I—"

"Oh, please. If I ever told someone like you I loved her, it was just a joke. And you're even more stupid than I believed if you ever thought otherwise."

_It's not James, it's not him, he doesn't mean it._ Lily tried to convince herself of this, but it was no use. She couldn't conceal the hurt in her eyes, and because James was studying her intently, he saw it and a satisfied smile appeared on his lips.

"You did think I meant it, Evans. Wow… And people told me of your supposed intelligence back at Hogwarts. You changed a lot."

"You did too!" Lily couldn't keep the bite from her voice. "You've changed, James, ever since we brought you back you're not the same, and I…" She trailed off, trying not to care about the way his smile widened. "I want you back. I just want _you_ back. The _real_ you."

"The real me?" He scoffed heinously. "This is the real me. Why can't you get it, Evans?"

"So why would you ever ask me to marry you, why would you ever look at me with so much love in your eyes, if you… if you hated me the whole time?" Lily asked, and she stumbled over the words because she couldn't quite believe that she was telling _this James_ that much about their relationship.

His eyes widened, and then he started laughing and through his hiccups, he answered, "You fell for that act, Evans? Well, everyone has always told me I'm a good actor, but even I didn't believe you could fall for that!"

Lily just stared at him, her mouth agape in shock. So did that mean he still remembered something? And that he really was playing with her heart (with all of his supposed friends too) all that time? She couldn't quite believe it, but there was a part of her mind still nagging with doubt. He could be using her own words against her, but if he wasn't…

No, he had to just be making fun of her. Cruelly. They would all have been long dead if he was just playing with them, tricking them.

She stood up and turned away from him before he could see the tears (of despair, of fury) welling up in her eyes. She'd really been foolish enough to give him the weapons necessary to hurt her; and he had. Without a single second of doubt, he had. And it broke her heart all the more.

"Goodbye, James," she whispered, though she felt like choking on her tears instead.

And when she was back in her room, she did something stupid. She ripped the engagement ring from her finger, threw it in a corner of the room and screamed. Oh God, how she screamed.

But if anyone heard her, they left her alone with her dark thoughts, and even if she was grateful for that, because she was full-on sobbing now, she hated them for it, because all she really needed was a shoulder to cry on.


End file.
